Cats vote to legalize catnip

This is the week that wasn’t in fake cat news.

Cat surprised that same mail carrier delivers mail every day

Teddy, a American Shorthair in Fresno, California, was surprised yesterday to learn that the mail carrier who comes to his home every day is not always a different person, as was previously thought. He was doubly surprised to learn that the same person has been delivering mail to his home for the past eight years.

“Him? I’ve never seen that guy before in my life,” Teddy said at approximately 11 a.m., when the carrier made his regular stop at the house, which is to say he cautiously edged onto the porch and quietly approached the mailbox. “Wait, what does this guy think he’s doing? Hold on a minute while I hiss at him.”

Told that the man on the porch, Chester Dawes, had missed only a handful of days delivering mail to the home during the past eight years, Teddy shook his head.

“It used to be this tall guy, then a short woman — and there was that skinny guy with the big feet,” he said. “And that was just earlier this week.”

Asked to comment, Postal Carrier Dawes admitted he never felt welcome delivering mail to the home and made a point of checking to make sure the windows were shut before he walked to the front porch.

“For years I used to call out, ‘Hi Teddy,’ like we were old pals,” said Dawes. “But he always looked at me like he wanted to kill me, so I stopped.”

“I do want to kill him, in a predatorial way,” confided Teddy to this reporter. “Same way I want to kill you — you know, abstractedly. But also really.”

As the truth sunk in, Teddy said he would try to remember Dawes’ face, but he made no promises.

“Tomorrow, just you watch — it’ll be a new guy, just itching to make a move for me. But I’ll be ready for him,” the cat said.

Teddy was also surprised to learn that the baby his owner, Beth, had brought into home in 2014 still resided at the house.

“That baby still lives here? Man, I’ve got to start paying more attention.”

Cats vote to legalize catnip

In an overwhelming vote today, cats voted to legalize catnip, citing studies that the plant causes no long-term psychological effects and can be used to treat a variety of ailments.

“Lethargy, kidney disease, cancer, the list goes on,” said Whiskers, an orange kitty from Portland, Oregon, who headed up the vote among the nation’s felines. “With this vote, it’s now easier for the nation’s cats to get catnip.”

“So let’s bring on the catnip,” he added.

Whiskers’ campaign started in 2008, when his owner, Susan, brought home the illicit drug concealed in a felt cigar on Christmas morning and tossed it to him. He recalls it being one of the best weeks of his life.

It was three years before he saw catnip again.

“Back then, it was so hard to get, obviously,” he said. “Susan did what she could, but what do you expect her to do? Break the law?”

Whiskers’ next experience with the drug was in the form of a small pot of catnip grass, which he tore through in a matter of minutes. And then, a year and change later, there was a catnip banana on Easter — a surprise that left him marveling at the risk-taking of his owner.

“I can’t imagine what black market horrors Susan had to go through to get that catnip banana,” Whiskers said. “But those days are over. With this vote, we set the stage for catnip to be sold at veterinarians and pharmacies — one day, even in pet stores!”

The vote passed 56,987 neighborhoods to 12, legalizing catnip immediately. Curiously, the nation’s cats did not experiences a surge in catnip availability.

“It’s probably still tied up in the black market,” said Whiskers. “But now that catnip is legal, Susan should be bringing some home any day now.

“Can you imagine? I’ll have catnip all the time! Susan can get catnip everywhere!”

Asked if she had any plans to buy catnip, Susan shrugged and said there might be some in the back of the cabinet.

Next up for Whiskers is forming an exploratory focus group tackling the legalization of wet food, after Susan’s sister smuggled a can of it into the home last week.

“That stuff is amazing,” confessed Whiskers. “But you can’t get it anywhere. It’s super illegal.”