What if cats drove? 7 reasons cops would pull them over

The other day, my Catster editor (Cat Dandy, himself) and I were remembering Toonces the Driving Cat, one of the all-time-best sketches on Saturday Night Live — in my opinion, anyway. Do you remember that nutty feline?

Toonces wasn’t the best driver, and usually sent the car flying off a cliff. He really should have gotten pulled over by the police and issues a ticket or two … or five.

In general, I think cats would be terrible drivers and would regularly get in trouble with the law. Here are eight reasons driving cats would get pulled over by the cops.

1. Chasing a fly

Cats can’t resist flying insects. My cats go nuts when a fly is buzzing around the house, and will remain laser-focused for what feels like hours. Because flies sometimes become trapped in cars, I can only imagine the chaos that would ensue if a driving cat were stuck in a moving car with a fly.

*insert police siren*

2. Asleep at the wheel

Kitties are natural nappers and sleep most of the day. This would make them terrible drivers, except for very short trips to the corner store. Anything longer than that would certainly be a risk for cat-asleep-at-wheel. Nothing good could come of that.

*insert police siren*

3. Driving while intoxicated

We humans know it’s a bad idea to drive while intoxicated, but some idiots still do it. There are some cats out there who are so catnip-crazed that they’d climb behind the wheel, no matter how high they were. My cats act like lunatics after they’ve enjoyed some of the good stuff, and I can’t imagine them concentrating on anything important — especially not driving a car.

*insert police siren*

4. Distracted driving

As easily as cats can remain focused on a flying insect, they can be instantly distracted by anything shiny or interesting. This would make it difficult for kitty to keep his eyes on the road, resulting in certain disaster.

*insert police siren*

5. Behind-the-wheel bathing

When cats need a bath, they need a bath — and nothing’s going to stop them. This sort of spontaneous bathing would require kitty to take his paws off the wheel and attention off the road.

*insert police siren*

6. Suspicion

Police can pull someone over if they’re suspicious of illegal activity. When cats are driving, you can bet they’re going to be pulled over because they’d be all over the road … what with the bathing and fly-chasing and everything. Cops would immediately ask to search the vehicle, looking for open bags of catnip, which they’d likely find.

*insert police siren*

7. Speeding

Have you ever seen a cat zoom around the house? Then you can understand that some cats would be total speed demons behind the wheel. It’d be a complete car chase, with the cat in the lead.

*insert police siren*

Why would your driving cat get pulled over by the cops? Give us some examples in the comments!

Let Catster make you laugh:

• “Hello, My Name is Angie, and I’m a Cat-Huffer”
• Cats and Bags: 2 Very Important Scientific Experiments
• The Pros and Cons of My Cats as Health Care Providers

Read more by Angie Bailey:

• Do Your Cats Demand Snuggle Time Like Mine?
• Texts from Mittens: The “Antiques Roadshow” Edition
• And Now, 5 Photos of My Cats Caught in the Act
• What Happens When My Cats Tell Me What to Wear
• 5 Ways My Cats Completely Own Me
• My Cats Are Addicts: 5 Reasons They Would Land in Rehab
• Do You Ever Wish You’d Given Your Cat a Different Name?
• What if Cats Held Office Jobs? Worst. Cubicle Mates. EVER!
• 3 Ways You and Your Kids Can Help Big Cats

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.