Mina the cat will take your question now

It’s hard being a writer. I have to come up with things to say every week. And in conversation I can usually get away with a little bleating noise, but on the Internet, I’m forced to use lots of human language. It’s exhausting. And, frankly, this week has been a pretty uneventful week at my house. Mommy has been under the weather for two days, the kitten is getting to be less of a whiny little pushover, and outside hasn’t gone away.

Thank goodness for my readers. There is a time-honored tradition in entertainment where once every few months writers can just go through their old comments and reply to them. In the industry, we call this a "reader response" column, or "a visit to the mailbag," or "being ridiculously lazy." I’ll call this one a "reader response." I’ll write it. Then I’m taking a nap.

I originally pitched this column as a place I could give advice. I’m the smartest mammal in the world and the center of the known universe. But my editor got all hung up on human concerns about how most humans don’t know who I am, and other stupid stuff like that. Well, I don’t know about you, but that sounds like bunk to me. I’m Mina, how can anyone know me?

So, without further ado, I would like to present the first installment of Ask Mina:

Dear Mina,

I’d like to sue my human servant, who is in breach of contract with me! She refuses to feed me the food I’ve become accustomed to eating all day long! I’d also like to sue her for slander and emotional distress, as she calls me horrible names like “Fatty Fatty Fatso” and “Chubba Whubba Pussycat.” It’s abominable to be treated in this manner! I am NOT a “Land Beluga!!” How much do you think you can get for all this abuse?

KiKi the Queen

Dear KiKi,

Filing a lawsuit requires something called standing. Standing is a human invention that involves not going anywhere, but not sitting down either. Unfortunately, cats don’t have standing in human courts. There are multiple theories why this is. I suspect jealousy and limited human vision. Had humans called it "stalking" or "sitting and licking yourself," cats would have tons of it, and we could file all the lawsuits we wanted.

That being said, you should never accept disrespect from a thumb-beast. We must then look at the various alternatives to litigation available. I recommend a combination of biting, scratching, and pooping. Pooping is best done at night when your humans are asleep. It’s most effective if done into things that humans interact with regularly. I’m fond of shoes, but closets and the linen cabinet can work as well.

Mina

Dear Mina,

You have my vote. I don’t know if you are aware, but here in Virginia we have Hank the Cat running for Senate. It is good to have positive alternative candidates for Senate and president. Keep up the good work!

AKD

Dear AKD,

I’ve never heard of this "Virginia" place. I’m guessing that it must be some part of Outside. I don’t really like Outside. People poop there who aren’t me, and I don’t want to look for another mammal’s poop. I want other mammals to look for my poop. It’s all part of the great cycle of poop.

But I am sure that I am a better candidate than Hank the Cat. I’ll talk to my campaign staff about this "Hank" guy and see whether we need to start generating attack ads, or perhaps just attacks against him. I’m a big fan of stalking a lesser feline and then jumping on it, claws-bared and ready for a fight. This is exceptionally amusing when the stalked feline is smaller than you, and politics bar you from consuming it. But perhaps this "Hank" would make a worthy opponent. I’ll get my campaign staff, (read: Daddy) right on that.

Mina

Dear Mina,

What is it with Fancy Feast? The cats I know seem to think it’s crack.

Moderator

Dear Moderator,

I don’t know what crack is, but I do know Fancy Feast. “The Feast,” as I call it, is a delight to all the senses. Before I taste it each time, it sings the siren song that can only be described as "that cracking noise." Then, as I approach, I smell the only thing that smells better than my own butt. Then it has that perfect juicy gooey texture like when daddy gives me fresh Ahi, and, finally, there’s the gravy — that sweet, delicious gravy.

Nothing compares with gravy. It tastes like meat but is as easy to consume as water. It appeals to all three feline desires, hunger, desire for pleasurable sensations, and laziness. It’s the only thing I love more than my humans, and, in truth, it’s a big part of why I love my humans.

Mina